Black humor

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: „That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!“ The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: „The driver just insulted me!“ The man says: „You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.“

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, „My friend is dead! What can I do?“. The operator says „Calm down. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.“ There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says „OK, now what?“

A man to his new girlfriend: „Since I first laid eyes on you, I’ve wanted to make love to you really badly.“ – „Well,“ she replies, „you succeeded.“

I took my grandma to a fish spa center where the little fish eat your dead skin for only £45. It was way cheaper than having her buried in the cemetery.

A cement mixer has ­collided with a prison van. Motorists are asked to look out for 16 hardened criminals.