Radio messages from the tower

Tower: To avoid noise, please slew 45 degrees to the right.
Pilot: What noise can we make at 35,000 feet?
Tower: The noise when your 707 collides with the 727 in front of you!
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Tower: Are you an Airbus 320 or 340?
Pilot: An A 340, of course!
Tower: Then would you please start the other two engines before takeoff?
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Tower to a pilot who touched down particularly hard:
A landing shouldn't be a secret, after all. The passengers should quietly know when they are down.
Pilot: Never mind. They always clap anyway.
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Pilot: Tower, please call me a fuel truck.
Tower: Roger. You are a fuel truck.
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Pilot: Condor 471, is there no follow-me here?
Tower: Negative, see how you get to gate 10 on your own.
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Tower: Delta Delta Whiskey, taxi to GAT via tarpath two zero nine Charlie and Mike.
Pilot: Ah...tar road two...?
Tower: That's the little one on the right. They just rolled past it.
Pilot: Sorry
Tower: Don't worry, take the Mike.
Pilot: Ah, ..Mike?
Tower: That's the last one on the far right...
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Pilot: Bratislava Tower, this is Oscar Oscar Kilo established ILS 16.
Tower: Oscar Oscar Kilo, cleared to land 16, wind calm and by the way: this is Vienna Tower.
Pilot: (after a pause for thought) Bratislava Tower, Oscar Oscar Kilo passed the outer marker.
Tower: Oscar Oscar Kilo roger, and once more: you are approaching Vienna!
Pilot: (after a pause for thought) Confirm, this is NOT Bratislava?
Tower: You can believe me, this is Vienna
Pilot: (after a pause for thought) But why? We want to go to Bratislava, not to Vienna!
Tower: Oscar Oscar Kilo, roger. Discontinue approach, turn left 030 and climb to 5,000 feet, vectors to Bratislava.
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Tower: Shamu Two Two, please state estimated time of arrival.
Pilot: Ok, let's see..., I think Tuesday would be nice...
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Tower: Have you got enough fuel or not?
Pilot: Yes.
Tower: Yes what??
Pilot: Yes, SIR!
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LH741: Tower, give me a rough time check
Tower: It's Tuesday, Sir.
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Pilot: Ground, XY-line 195, requesting start-up.
Tower: Sorry, XY-line 195, we don't have your flight plan. What is your destination ?
Pilot: Like every Monday, to Leipzig.
Tower: But, it's Tuesday today!
Pilot: WHAT? But we have Tuesday off!
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Pilot: Tower, there's a runway light on fire.
Tower: I hope there are more than one on fire.
Pilot: Sorry, I mean it's smoking.
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Tower: Delta Zulu Romeo, turn right now and report your heading.
Pilot: Wilco. 341, 342, 343, 344, 345...
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Tower: Lufthansa 893, number one, check for workers on the taxiway.
Pilot: Roger ... (after a short pause) ... we've checked the workers, they are all working.
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Tower: Delta Bravo Charlie, is your squawk really seven zero four six?
Pilot: Positive.
Tower: I'm sending an excavator to your aid, you have an indicated altitude of minus 90 feet.
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Tower: LH 8610 cleared for take-off.
Pilot (LH 8610): But we haven't landed yet.
Tower: Yes, who is standing there on 26 south?
Pilot (LH 8801): LH 8801.
Tower: Well, then you are cleared for take-off.
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Tower: Delta Fox Alpha, hold position, Marshall will park you.
Pilot: Roger. Looking out for John Wayne.
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Tower: DE, continue on counter-approach for 26, landing #2 behind a DC9 in the short tail section.
Pilot: Roger, continue flying for 29 and follow DC6.
Tower: Not quite right: the runway was 26 and traffic a DC9.
Pilot: Okay, following DC26 ... What was the runway?
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Student pilot: Lichtenfels Info, DEITN, on right cross approach runway 22, for takeoff and touchdown.
Tower: DEITN, I have a big request: touchdown first and then take off!
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Tower: You have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!
Pilot: Give us another hint, we have digital watches!
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Tower: Mission 123, do you have problems?
Pilot: I think, I have lost my compass.
Tower: Judging the way you are flying, you lost the whole instrument panel
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Pilot: Good morning, Frankfurt ground, KLM 242 request start up and push back, please. (Start turbines and have them pushed back by the terminal).
Tower: KLM 242 expect start up in two hours.
Pilot: Please confirm: two hours delay?
Tower: Affirmative.
Pilot: In that case, cancel the good morning!
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Tower: D-EXXX pls. report persons aboard.
D-EXXX (C-172): Pilot and two pax and one dog.
Tower (after Cessna finally bounced to stop): Assume the Pilot in Command was the dog?
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Pilot: FLX30, control room, come in, we have only a few liters of fuel left. Request instructions!
Tower: Please give us your position, we don't have you on our radar screen!
Pilot: We are on runway 2 and would like to know when the fuel truck is coming!
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Tower Washington D.C., Clearance Delivery: German Air Force 269, you are cleared to Destination Indian Springs via after take off radar vectors to 4,000 feet thereafter present position direct BOM do not pass BOM at 6,000 feet or below after passing 15,000 feet turn right on heading 280 to intercept j156 direct ZZT thereafter intercept j158 own navigation read back.

Pilot GAF 269: Roger German Air Force 269 is cleared to Destination Indian Springs via after take off radar vectors to 4,000 feet thereafter present position direct BOM do not pass BOM at 6,000 feet or below after passing 15,000 feet turn right on heading 280 to intercept j156 direct ZZT thereafter intercept j158 own navigation and I need another pencil.
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Tower: Cannot read you, say again!
Pilot: Again!
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Tower: Height and position?
Pilot: Well, I am 1.80 m and sit at the very front left
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Tower: Hawk 20, is this the same aircraft declaring emergency about two hours ago?
Pilot: Negativ, Sir. It's only the same pilot.
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Zürich Tower: Alitalia 194 - taxi to rwy 28, hold short
Pilot AZ194: Ahhh, yes, taxi to rwy 28
Tower: AZ194, cleared for take-off
Pilot AZ194: Ahhh, two minutes, need preflight (checks)
30 sec later ...
Tower: Alitalia 194, YOU ARE CLEARED FOR TAKE OFF NOW.
Pilot AZ194: Ehmmm, yes, yes, take off in two minutes.

In the meantime: Rwy 16 had a 737 with a flat tire, Rwy 14 was congested, so they took a 767 from Cincinnati on 28. The crew of the 767 was now on the road for 8 hours.

Tower: Alitalia 194, expedite take-off, we have Delta 767 final on 28 in 2 miles!
Pilot AZ194: Ahhh, we need 30 more seconds...
Pilot DL104: Hey Spaghetti, take-off or I'll fuck you from behind!