Funnies

1. “I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.” — Mitch Hedberg

2. “Gentlemen, you can’t fight in here. This is the war room.” — President Merkin Muffley (Peter Sellers), Dr. Strangelove

3. “My mother always used to say: The older you get, the better you get, unless you’re a banana.” — Rose (Betty White), The Golden Girls

4. “Halloween is the beginning of the holiday shopping season. That’s for women. The beginning of the holiday shopping season for men is Christmas Eve.” — David Letterman

5. Brian: “Look, you’ve got it all wrong. You don’t need to follow me. You don’t need to follow anybody. You’ve got to think for yourselves. You’re all individuals.”
Crowd: “Yes, we’re all individuals!”
Individual: “I’m not!”
— Brian (Graham Chapman) and cast, Monty Python’s Life of Brian

6. Bob: “Looks like you’ve been missing a lot of work lately.”
Peter: “I wouldn’t say I’ve been missing it, Bob.”
— Bob (Paul Wilson) and Peter (Ron Livingston), Office Space

7. “Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society.” — Mark Twain

8. “From the ages of eight to 18, and my family moved around a lot. Mostly, we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.” — Jarod Kintz

9. “I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” — Rita Rudner

10. “Ned, I would love to stand here and talk with you—but I’m not going to.” — Phil Connors (Bill Murray), Groundhog Day

11. “When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.” — Erma Bombeck

12. “I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” — Phyllis Diller

13. “I love airports because the rules of society don’t apply. Eat a pizza and have a glass of wine at 7 am while in track pants. Nobody cares.” — Anonymous

14. “Insomnia sharpens your math skills because you spend all night calculating how much sleep you’ll get if you’re able to ‘fall asleep right now.'” — Anonymous

15. “Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can’t do it in one push; you've got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over.” — Jerry (Jerry Seinfeld), Seinfeld

16. “I walk around like everything’s fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.” — Anonymous